affair ....

Dear Sweets,

You have been there when I needed you the most, through the emotional, stressful and lonely times. You have cheered me up by just being there and letting me hold you. But it needs to end! I want to be with coffee more, he doesn't hurt me the ways you do by adding pounds of frustration and self hatred. I need to spend more time with things that will help me reach my goals and even though you were a good listener I need someone that will help me reach my goals. The affair was great while it lasted but I need to get back to what I once was .... a size 10!!!

Yup, I weighed in today, just for sh*ts and giggles and there was neither of those happening! I'm so mad at myself and I'm starting to get discouraged! I've gained almost all the weight I lost and I blame chocolate, I can feel the extra weight when I walk, the way my clothes fit, it just seriously pisses me off!! Why can't it be easier! ? My hubby knows there is something bugging me and asks but I don't tell him I'm mad at myself for eating crap and getting fat! I'm sure he's sick of hearing me say it and he never really offers any advice anyway. He just gives me a look like "well, if you don't like it then do something about it" which just makes me feel guilty and bad cause I just can't seem to figure out how!

Time management is harder then I thought now that I am back at work and have Jacob in the evenings. I NEED to start going for evening walks but now that Jacob is older I'm not sure if he will even sit for that long in the stroller? He will want to walk too but if I go his pace I won't even get my heart rate up. I'm all out of fruits and veggies and normally I would just take Jacob to the store and pick some up but when I don't get home till 5ish, make dinner and then depending on Jacob either give him a bath and he's ready for bed or I could manage to either go for a walk or go shopping after supper but not both (as long as he had a nap that day). I'm sure it will get easier and one of the guys at work here suggested that maybe I go for morning walks instead which actually isn't a bad idea. I could go by myself, sort out my thoughts, not worry about baby, come home and have a shower. Then the evenings would still be "our" time to have fun with Jacob. I also NEED to get rid of the chocolate almond boxes that are for sale in front of me, tempting me all day!! Next week I will stay a little late after work and move my computer to the other side of the counter and put the chocolates at the other end!

So besides being slightly depressed about my weight which I'm sure everyone is sick of hearing about! I'm doing OK, I really enjoy having the break from Jacob during the day and can't wait till he is old enough to tell me what he has done all day without me. I love seeing his face light up when he sees me and the way he gives me a snuggle after a long day at work. This weekend I have so much to do, I have to do everything that I normally would do during the week (like clean the bathrooms, floors and vacuum), I also need to go to the photo place to order our pics I want and thank you cards, I should also go to the grocery store and pick up fruits and veggies (cause I don't think I'll have time tonight or tomorrow), I need to return/ exchange some gifts Jacob got (mostly clothes but they are at 4 different stores) and I really should go visiting family. I wish I could work part time but my job doesn't really offer that, then I could get the stuff done that hubby can't seem to figure out!? Like going to the grocery store for fruit or doing laundry!