Overwhelmed

I went to visit my Dad last night and it was like the reality of this whole situation hit me ... right after the security guard on duty that was helping me find my Dad said he was in "palliative care and that there were no visiting hours I could come and stay as long as I want". It was like the little light in my head went ... Oh... he's in palliative care ... that means he's dying.... wow! I guess before I just thought he was sick and needed some help to look after himself. Then I got a email from my hubbies cousin that went through the exact same thing with her Dad a few months ago and her advice to me was ... spend as much time with him as you can. It's the one thing she regrets. So now I'm thinking she is right ... I NEED to go spend time with him, go play cards, go talk, just hang out together. I talked to hubby last night and he said that I can go there as much as I want, so I will probably go twice a week - once with Jacob and once just by myself. It is hard to have a visit when Jacob is there and he doesn't like to sit in the room for long but I know my Dad wants to see him and makes him smile.

I also went to see my Mom at the Glenrose last night, this is a good thing. She finally got transferred from the hospital to a rehabilitation center, this means the doctor thinks there is hope for her - that she will be able to walk again! She has lost a bunch of weight as well but she looked good last night. Hopefully the doctors can get her back up on her feet and walking again!?
Then we have the two funerals this week, one for hubbies Grandmas best friend and the other for hubbies Grandma. It will be a very sad week for me, as both of these ladies were amazing to Jacob and to us. They helped us out in so many ways, Grandma would give anything for Jacob, she bought him his play set that cost a lot and never questioned the price. If we needed anything she was always there to help. They made us slippers and hubbies favorite black forest cake, when we were sick we got Grandmas soup, which Jacob also loved. Its hard to believe that not only did we loose one but both of them! I can't even go to the other one and ask for recipes or to show me how to knit and make more slippers to continue making them.

I feel like if it's wasn't for Jacob I would be sitting in some corner crying my eyes out! He is a good distraction when I'm sad, I feel like I have to be strong for him. Although last night when I started feeling my eyes fill with tears he came over to me gave me a big hug and a very wet kiss, it made me want to cry even harder. It is so hard to be strong in a time when I feel so weak. :(

Below I wanted to share a little bit of what keeps me smiling these days. I love seeing Jacob have fun with his little friends. Below is a video of him and his day home friends at a bday party, he was having a great time and has no idea of all the sadness going on right now. I'd like to keep it that way!