Getting ready for Christmas

As Christmas approaches I find myself busier then ever but it is for things that aren't really necessary. For the past few weeks I have been keeping myself busy by making 9 different cookie recipes and making assorted tins for some of my customers at work and co-workers. I assembled and filled a advent calender for Jacob and got Christmas photos done and ordered. I have gone shopping more times then I think I needed too. And I still need to mail my Christmas cards, wrap gifts and get prepared for hosting Christmas dinner. I feel like I am trying to keep busy on purpose, when I do have time to think I usually end up crying.

As I plan Christmas dinner I realize that there are a lot of people that won't be attending this year. And not because they weren't invited or have other plans but because they have passed away and are no longer with us. I will hear Christmas songs on the radio and think about my Dad, my Grandpa, hubbies Grandma, uncle George and Grandmas best friend - FIVE very important people to our family and FIVE people that loved Jacob more then words could say. FIVE people that won't be able to see the look on Jacobs face this year when he gets spoiled by Santa or helps decorate his very own mini Christmas tree. FIVE people that will never share any of these special moments ever again. This is what makes me cry when I have time to think, this is the reason I like to stay busy during this time of year. Our first Christmas without FIVE loved ones. :(

Overwhelmed

I went to visit my Dad last night and it was like the reality of this whole situation hit me ... right after the security guard on duty that was helping me find my Dad said he was in "palliative care and that there were no visiting hours I could come and stay as long as I want". It was like the little light in my head went ... Oh... he's in palliative care ... that means he's dying.... wow! I guess before I just thought he was sick and needed some help to look after himself. Then I got a email from my hubbies cousin that went through the exact same thing with her Dad a few months ago and her advice to me was ... spend as much time with him as you can. It's the one thing she regrets. So now I'm thinking she is right ... I NEED to go spend time with him, go play cards, go talk, just hang out together. I talked to hubby last night and he said that I can go there as much as I want, so I will probably go twice a week - once with Jacob and once just by myself. It is hard to have a visit when Jacob is there and he doesn't like to sit in the room for long but I know my Dad wants to see him and makes him smile.

I also went to see my Mom at the Glenrose last night, this is a good thing. She finally got transferred from the hospital to a rehabilitation center, this means the doctor thinks there is hope for her - that she will be able to walk again! She has lost a bunch of weight as well but she looked good last night. Hopefully the doctors can get her back up on her feet and walking again!?
Then we have the two funerals this week, one for hubbies Grandmas best friend and the other for hubbies Grandma. It will be a very sad week for me, as both of these ladies were amazing to Jacob and to us. They helped us out in so many ways, Grandma would give anything for Jacob, she bought him his play set that cost a lot and never questioned the price. If we needed anything she was always there to help. They made us slippers and hubbies favorite black forest cake, when we were sick we got Grandmas soup, which Jacob also loved. Its hard to believe that not only did we loose one but both of them! I can't even go to the other one and ask for recipes or to show me how to knit and make more slippers to continue making them.

I feel like if it's wasn't for Jacob I would be sitting in some corner crying my eyes out! He is a good distraction when I'm sad, I feel like I have to be strong for him. Although last night when I started feeling my eyes fill with tears he came over to me gave me a big hug and a very wet kiss, it made me want to cry even harder. It is so hard to be strong in a time when I feel so weak. :(

Below I wanted to share a little bit of what keeps me smiling these days. I love seeing Jacob have fun with his little friends. Below is a video of him and his day home friends at a bday party, he was having a great time and has no idea of all the sadness going on right now. I'd like to keep it that way!

Worst Mom of the year award!!! :(

So - I think I'll start out with my weekend update first ... then save the "worst Mom ever" story for the end.

The weekend was great!! I decided to take a little R&R time for myself and told hubby I was going to a scrapbook retreat thing ALL day Saturday. It was great to be around other women and get some scrapping done!! I probably didn't get as much done as I hoped for but it was a nice get away and although I terribly missed Jacob and wondered what he was doing all day with Dad it was great to have the girl time with my long lost friends!! The scrapbook retreat was in St.Albert (the same city as my Dad and brother) so I decided to stop by my Dads and see how he was and if he needed anything on Saturday. We had a short visit and I went shopping then I off to scrap for 10 hours!!

I went back on Sunday to finish off some scrapping and collect my things. They also had door prizes and raffles that I wanted to see if I won any. I dropped Jacob off at my brothers while I did this for a few hours, Jacob had fun playing with his cousin that he rarely gets to see and on our way home I stopped back at my Dads so he could have a quick visit with Jacob.

Now for the worst Mom of the year story .....

When I got home with Jacob we had supper, everything was great, he was playing nice after supper so I decided to get some laundry done and started to strip his bed to wash his sheets. So first I have to say that Jacob seems to like a soft bed so on his crib we had a fitted sheet on the mattress, then we folded a double size comforter to make it a little softer, then a fuzzy sheet and on top of that was another twin size fuzzy blanket. I know it sounds like a lot but he likes to cuddle with his blankets. Soooo .... anyway - I start striping his bed and when I took the comforter off and was just about to take the fitted sheet off the mattress there was a 6 inch circle of MOLD!!! I'm mortified!! I felt so sick at that moment for a few reasons, first ... how could a mother let her child sleep in a bed with mold on it and second how could this happen? Have I neglected my child!?!? I feel like I have been spending so much time on trying to be the good daughter that my own family/ house is being neglected!! I NEED to start putting my family first and put my needs first!

So at 7pm on Sunday night my hubby threw the mattress outside cause it didn't seem to look clean enough to me and started taking the crib apart while I cleaned the room making space for a different bed. Our first thought was to put the playpen up in his room and he could sleep in that till we figured out what to do but I didn't think he would sleep very well in it, even though he does sleep in the playpen at Grandmas all the time. So instead I suggest that we bring up the mattress from the spare bed in the basement, a double. We set it all up on the floor and Jacob LOVES it!! I was amazed also that he went to bed very easy and he slept pretty good that night too (last night was the same). So last night we went shopping and bought the bed we wanted for him, it's only a twin instead of the double but his room is quite small so a twin should be big enough. It doesn't arrive till February though so in the mean time Jacob will use the double mattress on the floor. Below is a picture of his new "big boy bed", I wanted to get a bunk bed so that he can have sleepovers (since most of his friends and cousins live so far away) and we can use the upper bunk for all his stuffies. I also like that it has stairs instead of a ladder. Jacob saw it at the store and he also seemed to like it.

I suppose the only good thing is that it looked like the mold was coming up from the mattress and the worst of it was on the underside of the fitted sheet so the top blankets were clean and hopefully there was enough blankets that he couldn't breath in the mold molecules!? I think the mold started because we had a vaporizer in his room that was pumping out the moisture like crazy, I noticed his room started feeling damp so we stopped using the humidifier thing. But I guess it was too late? I keep kicking myself in the butt thinking, how could I have not caught this sooner? How could I subject my child to a very bad sleeping condition! I feel awful, maybe I should have stayed home that weekend and took care of my family and my house!? It's so hard to try and be there for everyone, you tend too push your needs as a Mother away to take care of everyone/ everything else. I need to re-prioritize my list! Sh*t I can't even remember the last time I had a bath too relax and shave !!

RIP - Uncle George

My hubbies Uncle passed away on Tuesday, he had Hodgkins Lymphoma and has been trying to fight it for almost a year. He was a very hard-shelled man that had a heart of gold! He loved Jacob and always wanted to hold him when he was around. I think they had a special kind of bond, Jacob seemed to go to him with no problems - he would normally sigh away from someone with such a deep voice and stern look. I feel awful for Jacob, not having the chance to get to know such a great man that had a bigger heart then I ever imagined. As I type this I am tearing up, making it hard to see the screen! The funeral is on Monday and I think I am going to be a wreck! It makes me think of my Dad and how fortunate we are to still have him and how sad I'm going to be when he goes. Cancer seems to have affected our lives more then ever this year, I am hoping that 2010 is a much better year.