Getting ready for Christmas

As Christmas approaches I find myself busier then ever but it is for things that aren't really necessary. For the past few weeks I have been keeping myself busy by making 9 different cookie recipes and making assorted tins for some of my customers at work and co-workers. I assembled and filled a advent calender for Jacob and got Christmas photos done and ordered. I have gone shopping more times then I think I needed too. And I still need to mail my Christmas cards, wrap gifts and get prepared for hosting Christmas dinner. I feel like I am trying to keep busy on purpose, when I do have time to think I usually end up crying.

As I plan Christmas dinner I realize that there are a lot of people that won't be attending this year. And not because they weren't invited or have other plans but because they have passed away and are no longer with us. I will hear Christmas songs on the radio and think about my Dad, my Grandpa, hubbies Grandma, uncle George and Grandmas best friend - FIVE very important people to our family and FIVE people that loved Jacob more then words could say. FIVE people that won't be able to see the look on Jacobs face this year when he gets spoiled by Santa or helps decorate his very own mini Christmas tree. FIVE people that will never share any of these special moments ever again. This is what makes me cry when I have time to think, this is the reason I like to stay busy during this time of year. Our first Christmas without FIVE loved ones. :(

RIP Dad :(

I know, I haven't posted for a while - things have been kind of a blur for the past week. I went to go see my Dad on Thurs and when I walked in his room I knew he didn't look good. This was the Thursday before I was to go to my weekend retreat. I was torn, I wasn't sure if I should stay or go. Thursday night my brother and I stayed with Dad late, I stayed till 1am and he stayed till 4am! Dad slept the whole time we were there but it still felt like we were with him. Then Friday morning I went back to see how he was doing, hoping that maybe the night before was just a bad day. It wasn't, he was looking worse then the night before and was quickly deteriorating. I went to get my Mom and took her over for a visit, said my goodbyes and gave him kisses on the cheek. I headed to the retreat, crying for most of the way, knowing that I would be getting a phone call that weekend to tell me he had passed. About an hour after I got there my brother called to tell me he was gone. Last week we were busy planning the funeral and last minute details which were very emotional tasks. The funeral was held on Thursday and the place was packed! It was great to see that my Dad was so loved and liked by all his friends, he will be greatly missed by everyone. I still feel like he is here, I don't think I've totally come to closer with him gone, it happened so fast. Even though he was fighting cancer for a year and a half, the last few days were quick. I hope he knew how much I loved him, I think Christmas will be hard this year. We have lost a lot of amazing family and friends since last Christmas, the house will seem empty without them.

We just celebrated Halloween and I really wanted to make it a fun time for Jacob. Even though I was sad and didn't feel like smiling. We had a Halloween party with all his friends from the Moms group. It is nice to see all the kids and to still keep in touch with the Moms, they have all grown so much and are turning into quiet the little characters.

After the Moms group party, Jacob and I went out to St.Albert to trick or treat with his friends. We went to a haunted house which was really neat and Jacob loved! He wasn't scared at all, which is nice. We had a good Halloween and a busy November ahead. Hopefully things will get better now. Tomorrow I will post about my weight loss.

Overwhelmed

I went to visit my Dad last night and it was like the reality of this whole situation hit me ... right after the security guard on duty that was helping me find my Dad said he was in "palliative care and that there were no visiting hours I could come and stay as long as I want". It was like the little light in my head went ... Oh... he's in palliative care ... that means he's dying.... wow! I guess before I just thought he was sick and needed some help to look after himself. Then I got a email from my hubbies cousin that went through the exact same thing with her Dad a few months ago and her advice to me was ... spend as much time with him as you can. It's the one thing she regrets. So now I'm thinking she is right ... I NEED to go spend time with him, go play cards, go talk, just hang out together. I talked to hubby last night and he said that I can go there as much as I want, so I will probably go twice a week - once with Jacob and once just by myself. It is hard to have a visit when Jacob is there and he doesn't like to sit in the room for long but I know my Dad wants to see him and makes him smile.

I also went to see my Mom at the Glenrose last night, this is a good thing. She finally got transferred from the hospital to a rehabilitation center, this means the doctor thinks there is hope for her - that she will be able to walk again! She has lost a bunch of weight as well but she looked good last night. Hopefully the doctors can get her back up on her feet and walking again!?
Then we have the two funerals this week, one for hubbies Grandmas best friend and the other for hubbies Grandma. It will be a very sad week for me, as both of these ladies were amazing to Jacob and to us. They helped us out in so many ways, Grandma would give anything for Jacob, she bought him his play set that cost a lot and never questioned the price. If we needed anything she was always there to help. They made us slippers and hubbies favorite black forest cake, when we were sick we got Grandmas soup, which Jacob also loved. Its hard to believe that not only did we loose one but both of them! I can't even go to the other one and ask for recipes or to show me how to knit and make more slippers to continue making them.

I feel like if it's wasn't for Jacob I would be sitting in some corner crying my eyes out! He is a good distraction when I'm sad, I feel like I have to be strong for him. Although last night when I started feeling my eyes fill with tears he came over to me gave me a big hug and a very wet kiss, it made me want to cry even harder. It is so hard to be strong in a time when I feel so weak. :(

Below I wanted to share a little bit of what keeps me smiling these days. I love seeing Jacob have fun with his little friends. Below is a video of him and his day home friends at a bday party, he was having a great time and has no idea of all the sadness going on right now. I'd like to keep it that way!

A sad month

This past weekend was emotionally exhausting, we found out on Friday morning that my hubbies Grandmas best friend which we always referred to as a 2nd Grandma, had passed away. She was battling lung cancer and went from bad to worse in a very short time and even though it was sort of expected that she was going to pass it still came as a shock as most deaths do. Then on Sunday we got a phone call from my inlaws saying that Gma wasn't doing so well and had coded the night before. We were suppose to work at the track that day but it was soooo foggy that we knew we weren't going to be racing for a while so hubby and I went to go see Gma in the hospital. She didn't look good at all, her oxygen was super low and she didn't even really look like she was awake.

Later that day I Jacob had a birthday party to go to, his day home Moms daughters 3rd bday. So we went and tried to have a good time, Dora came to the party too!! She was a big hit with all the kids. There was a face painter there that did a awesome job, so I grabbed one of her cards - maybe next year I will give her a call for Jacobs party. They had pinatas, one of Dora filled with girl stuff and and one of Diego filled with boy type toys. The kids loved picking up all the candy and toys and putting them in their little baggies (another great idea)!! The Mom made the cake, which I think turned out amazing and tasted pretty darn good too!! It was fun, and I think Jacob enjoyed himself too! Then as I was leaving I checked my phone and saw a message from one of hubbies relatives telling me that Gma had passed!?!? I of course didn't believe her right away, I mean we just saw Gma that morning and yes she did look super sick but her oxygen was going up when we left and I had hope that she would get better. Maybe I was naive, as usual, so of course I call my hubby right away and see if he heard anything and he said yes... he got a call from his parents a few hours prior but didn't call me cause he knew I was at the party.

I still feel like it is all too much to handle all at once, I am very overwhelmed, trying to deal with the loss of a great lady that cared a lot for our family and then not even 3 days later the loss of a Grandma that I know loved Jacob more then words and would give anything to see him smile. The funerals are planned for this weekend and the beginning of next week. I just know I'm going to be emotional about it all. I also know that it probably isn't over yet, my Dad is now transferred to a Extended Living place and I have to clean out his house. The reality of how sick he is getting is starting to sink in as well, I feel like one of these days the reality of being alone is going to hit me. All the ones we love are being taken away, some before they even have a chance to get old.

not the best year ....

I don't feel so good today ... sorry for not writing sooner... been busy at work, home and life in general has been a little crazy! My Grandpa (my Dads Dad) passed away on Friday making my weekend very crappy and full of emotional baggage! My hubby came to my work to tell me the news just as my SIL had phoned and was letting me know at the exact same time. I left work early and we headed to go see my Dad at the hospital, apparently he was a little upset about it. It was hard for me and still is, I feel like I never had a chance to grieve or mourn his loss cause every time I started to cry Jacob would get upset and I would have to put on a happy face to cheer him up or try to figure out what his issue was. Then on the weekend I took Jacob out to see my Dad again and we stopped in to see Grandma, she was surprisingly holding up quiet well. And then on Sunday we had swimming, I feel like I couldn't even take a day to remember, a day to forget and carry on. I suppose it's partially my fault, I never even thought about asking hubby to watch Jacob while I took time to cry it out and I'm sure he would have. Instead I held it in and took it out on him Sunday night. Things seem better now, we are back to normal and I still get a little upset when I think about him but I'm able to talk about it now. I am however a little upset that my Grandma has decided to NOT have a memorial for Grandpa, I feel like there is no closure, she says maybe in a few months we will have a get together. Why drag it out? I just don't get it, tomorrow is the cremation that we are apparently invited to but I don't want to attend. I will just have to figure it out on my own I suppose?

I have been going to the gym a lot lately and even though I had some comfort food on Friday, I was still able to loose weight. I am down one more pound, which is good but then I think ... I'm only down 4lbs in 5 weeks - I just want more! I know it's healthy to loose it slowly and as long as I'm loosing I shouldn't be upset, I should be happy about my loss. Instead I think of all the money I'm throwing away on a diet plan that clearly isn't working!? Or is it just me self sabotaging it? I cancelled my NS, and I'm moving on ... to what, I'm not too sure yet!?